I’ve been writing a lot lately, although I haven’t felt to put any of those pieces on this blog page. Something has just been feeling off. Yesterday, after much struggling within as to why, I figured it out. I haven’t been true to myself and my readers as well.
You see, it’s not just man’s wisdom that helps me through the changes of my life. Man’s experiences and understanding of human nature as well as clinical studies certainly enables us to identify root issues and understand why we feel certain emotions. However, for me, it’s God’s word that validates, and shows me how to apply principles that in reality have their foundation in him. If I don’t share that part of my story, I am failing in my purpose for even writing. Every single part of my healing has only been with the help of God. It’s personal for me.
This is my story…
I was addicted to drugs. My life revolved around the next party and how good my current stash was. My mom was an alcoholic and my dad didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I was married to my first husband, and we had two small children that I loved with all my heart, but I really didn’t know how to be a wife or mother. I cried often. I fought often.
During the Spring of 1982, I was drawn to the large Bible that had been given to us by my husband’s parents. My grandmother had one like it and as a child I had always enjoyed looking at the colorful pictures interlaced within the pages. I began reading it, although I didn’t understand much of what I was reading. I started in the book of Revelations. “End of times” had always been of interest to me because my grandmother often spoke of them, and I knew that was where I could learn more. One morning, while my children slept in the other room, I sat on my sofa crying, hurting so bad I could physically feel it. On top of all the emotional consequences to my way of life, we were out of money, and I didn’t know how I was going to feed our family that week. I reached for the large Bible on the coffee table and opened to where I had last stopped reading. I read these words…
Rev. 21:1-7
Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.” And he also said, “It is finished! I am the Alpha and the Omega—the Beginning and the End. To all who are thirsty I will give freely from the springs of the water of life. All who are victorious will inherit all these blessings, and I will be their God, and they will be my children.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain! All these things are gone forever! Oh, how I wanted that! No more pain! I got on my knees in front of that table, bowed my head, and prayed for the first time with a sincere heart. I said something like this, “Jesus, I don’t know how to do this, but I hurt so bad, and I know I can’t change, but if you will take me, I want to give my life to you. I want to live forever and be in your family and have no more pain, and no more sorrow.”
It felt as if God himself was speaking directly to me through the words on that page. I then knelt at the table before that bible and prayed with a sincerity that I had never done and said something like this, “Jesus, I don’t want to hurt anymore. I want to live with you forever. I know I can’t change the way I am, but if you will take me, I want to give my life to you.”
I met Jesus that morning. A joy I had never experienced swept over me, and all the pain melted away. That very day I received a financial miracle, and the Bible I hadn’t been able to understand when reading it before, was now speaking to me as if it were my dearest friend. My life has never been the same. I was one way and then I was totally different.
This is why I say I haven’t been true to myself or my reader. Regardless of what methods and strategies I learn to help me navigate through these final chapters of my life, my heart really wants you to know the true source of my strength. It’s like I have been trying to write under the radar of who Jesus is to me. The reason is, I feel as though sometimes those who have yet to meet Jesus personally, may not understand that Jesus is not a political party or a religion. They may not know that He is a very real person that speaks to our hearts and sees us.
Since that day in 1982, God has always, and will always be, my “go to” when I am hurt or confused. Often, He uses man’s wisdom to help me understand, but it is always Him that gives me the courage to change or show me what I need to do. And the miracle of that day conitnues, as He confirms all things through His written word.
