I am over half-way through radiation treatments. My biggest challenge each day is driving to the hospital, walking into the building, the waiting room and then the treatment room that is shared by others on this same journey. The oncology department of the hospital is probably the saddest place I have ever been to. Dark clouds seem to hang over each person in the waiting room, and their choices of clothing seem to match their mood as most are dressed in gray or dark clothing.
As difficult as this is, today, I left with a thankfulness that I have had the opportunity to see this side of suffering I have not seen before. For how can I relate to those fighting cancer if I have not walked in their shoes? Hearing the diagnosis, waiting for appointments and lab results, getting the options for treatment, making hard choices, all come with mountains of emotion. I thought I understood as I have held the hand of both friends and family that have walked this road. I had no idea how hard this could be!
I started this journey determined to eat only nutrient dense foods, walk daily, and make time to reflect on all the good things in my life. Truth be known, t’s not quite turned out as I had planned. I find myself sometimes succumbing to sugary treats after leaving my treatments, finding excuses not to walk, and thinking way too much about things I cannot change. So, my fight against cancer has become defined by not what I can or cannot do, but what I have to guard. If I am going to do any of the above, I must guard my heart.
I was given some wise advice by someone I highly respect for their knowledge of the human body and how it heals. He said to make sure I do lot of things that make me happy as a big part of my treatment. After my experience at the clinic day after day I understand more fully this advice. I can’t let my mind go there. I can’t let disappointment in the past or present move from my mind to my heart. And if my expectations of what I should be doing fall short, then I need to be kinder on myself and just lower the bar a bit.
Whatever I do or not do has to be enough. Guarding my heart for me means not involving myself in conversations that are not neccessary, and letting go of things I cannot change. I need to pray about the things that concern me, and then lay it down and not pick it up again and again. It is only then I am at peace. Jesus himself said to not be troubled or afraid.
So, when my heart is anxious, I pray, pick up my Bible and read. I let the words speak to me, and without fail, this “living book” calms all my fears. I can truly rest in Him. I know He’s got me.
Guarding my heart isn’t only about the things I don’t do, it’s also about letting Him take my anxiety and fears because He cares for me.
Scriptures referenced.
In John 14:7 “I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be trouble or afraid.”
Proverbs 4:23 Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of our life.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your care upon HIm, for He cares for you.
