Although I had felt I had learned to be content in every situation many years ago, I don’t think until recently I have understood what contentment really is. It’s not just being happy with what you have or do not have. It’s also about coming to peace with what you have done or not done.
I believe until recently I had never fully accepted that I have done enough to right the wrongs I have committed in my life or prove that my love was sincere to those I care most about. I have had caring friends and family try to point this out to me, but I didn’t see it. It must of been exhausting to the people in my life!
Now that I recognize that I was striving in my words and actions, I think I have finally come to peace with my past and all that I have done in my life. I love my family and friends and have thoroughly enjoyed all the wonderful times we have had together and all the experiences I helped make happen. If I never do another thing, it has been enough.
I love to serve, to help, to bless people. This is a good thing. But when it crosses over to me trying to demonstrate how much I love someone, rather than doing and serving because I enjoy it, then it becomes a burden to the receiver. I will never stop doing acts of kindness. It brings me great joy. But what I will do, is recognize that when anxiety grips my heart, maybe I need to reevaluate my motives.
Perhaps this all sounds a little confusing to the reader, but recognizing this pattern in my life has set me free to truly appreciate this season of life. My days are spent enjoying what is before me, treasuring memories, and doing the things that make my heart happy. My mind rests. I am content.
