It’s been hard to write lately, not because of the lack of time or absence of words, but because there is so much on my heart. I don’t know where to start. It’s as if there is a mix of deep joy and deep sorrow running parallel in the depths of my soul day after day. God’s love continues to draw me to a place of unreserved surrender that only increases as I seek to dwell in the midst of His presence. Yet, amid it all my heart aches for those that can’t see or hear because their minds are blinded by the enemy of their souls.
We live in a world in chaos. Controversial conversations are born from misunderstandings and lies. I feel the rage. Sufferings from wars stemming from the hunger for power are devastating. I hear the cries. Political rivals broadcast their version of truth from every media channel. People respond with actions resulting from hate.
I realize this a unique time of history we are in. Morality is considered by much of society a way of life deemed to be out of sync with rational thinking. We are living in a day when good is considered evil, and evil is good. Knowing the prophecies in the Bible and watching them unfold before my eyes in rapid succession is mind-boggling. However, I find hope through the words of foretelling. I have read the end of the book. There will be a day with no more sorrow and no more tears.
Praying for the eyes and ears to be opened, that the blind will see, and the deaf will hear, is my cry day and night. Oh, if they could only see, that the goodness of God sets us free! If only they could hear the truth of God’s good plan for their lives! Jesus tells us unless a man is born again, they cannot understand. One must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. How can I feel anything but sorrow for those who do know there is a better way?
I remember the day my eyes were opened over 44 years ago. It’s etched in my mind like it was yesterday. I was a young mother of two, feeling confused, hopeless and hurting. I was addicted to marijuana and living a lifestyle of seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places. While my children slept in the other room that early spring morning, I knelt in surrender to a God I vaguely knew from having attended church with others and had mostly only read about. I awkwardly spoke the words, “God I don’t know how I can do it; I can’t stop doing the things I do, but if you will have me, I give my life to you.” In a moment, layers of pain, confusion, and hopelessness slipped away! Tears of joy began running down my face as I experienced what it means to be born again. I felt clean and new. I wasn’t afraid anymore. I knew without a doubt that God is real, and He loves me! My life was forever changed that day. I wanted to tell others about my newfound freedom that they could have too. I wanted others to taste and see that the Lord is good!
I found out rather quickly that those who have not experienced this new life do not understand. Friends walked away. I was no longer the same person. I didn’t desire to do the same things I had done before. Jesus became the “One” I clung to and He has never, ever left me. I truly changed that morning I was born again. I never went back to being that old person again. She is dead. Am I perfect? No. I make wrong choices just like anyone else, but my heart responds differently. I see through unveiled eyes. I hear His voice. I know Him. When my actions cause the light to dim and the familiar voice to become faint, I run to Him, and He holds me close. I feel His unconditional love for me. He has never walked away.
The cost of living for Christ has, and never will be, too much for me. Is it hard? Yes. It hurts when people misunderstand. It hurts when others don’t desire your company because of Jesus. It hurts because they don’t know how good He is. It hurts because He longs for them to know Him too. In spite of it all though, I can say without hesitation, that He is so worthy! I would give my life to Him again and again.
So, as I walk this parallel journey of joy and sorrow, I will cling to the hope that all will come to the knowledge of Christ, especially those I hold closely to my heart. I find my strength in Him as I sit as His feet and drink of the cup He offers. In it I find a life that is now and forever emersed in the love of a God who sees, and knows me like no other, and still chooses me, again and again.
